Category Archives: Random

An open letter to the workers at my Whole Foods

 

Dear Employees of the Awesome Whole Foods That I Go To:

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful to you, for being open on Thanksgiving Day from early morning to late afternoon. I feel terrible that you don’t have the whole day off, but I am so grateful that you’re there, because otherwise I would be bringing some very random food to Thanksgiving dinner. Like, it would literally be a tin of sardines and some mustard greens and a packet of pine nuts? Which are all perfectly fine on their own or in the correct context, but they don’t really have that down-home holiday feeling I remember from childhood. Come on, kids! Time to carve the Thanksgiving sardines!

Thank you for having random shit like quinoa flour and thank you for labeling the ever-loving crap out of everything so that even though I may spend two hours shopping for not very many things, I know exactly what I am getting.

I wish I didn’t pay you so much money, but, then, I wish it didn’t cost so goddamn much to eat the complicated shit I eat. That’s not really your issue, that’s just a general observation.

I look forward to seeing you on Thursday morning, and I will probably hug at least one of you, so don’t flip out. I just really love Thanksgiving and I am super happy that I am going to have the chance to cook, because this week…it is the shitshow. I have not had a day off in a really long time, and I appreciate that you are working on MY day off. It sucks, I know. You are the best.

Thank you, Whole Foods people – as someone who typically is at work while other people are having fun (because we often ARE other people’s fun), I appreciate it. I hope you are getting paid a whole messy pile of money. Lord knows I’ll be giving your corporate overlords enough of it in about thirty-six hours.

Love,

Against Line of Dance

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Will it blend?

So one of my new favorite things, which is thanks to a brilliant friend who knows all about everything, is the green smoothie. I was making these banana protein fruit jobs and they were pretty good, but let me tell you, friends…

KALE

It is the shit. No kidding.

So here’s what you’re gonna do if you want to be awesome and feel like it is sunshine inside your body all the time. You are gonna get a blender and you are gonna throw a bunch of fucking fruits and vegetables into that shit and make it into awesome. In fact I am going to make one of these bastards RIGHT NOW so you can see it happen in (sort of) real time.

(1) Buy a bunch of dark green leafy shit. You don’t have to know what it is. Just buy it. Also: ricemilk (or water, or regular milk, or really ANY KIND OF LIQUID…you could probably use vodka but that might defeat the point of this exercise a little bit), a banana, protein powder (totally optional, but I love this shit from Garden of Life – unflavored! the flavors are GROSS), and some frozen ass fruit.

Some kind of kale, Italian parsley, a banana, frozen mango & pineapple, ricemilk, and vegan protein powder. PLUS AWESOME.

(2) Get that leafy shit and shove it in the bottle. Do you need to cut it up? Fuck no. That is too much goddamn work. We are gonna blend this shit. Just shove it in. Then dump in some liquid. More than you think. If you don’t have enough liquid, it won’t blend for crap. I usually mess this up and end up having to take the bottle off and whack it on the counter a couple times to get the stupid green shit to fall down and commit seppuku on the blade. But whatever.

Probably should have used more. Oh well.

(3) Open that shit up and smell it. It smells like a fucking lawn that just got mowed. Why the hell are you going to drink that? Because it is fucking awesome, that’s why. Dump in your protein powder and break up a banana, then blend blend blend blend blend.

(4) Add more liquid because you fucked up the ratio the first time.

(5) Drink some of the smoothie because you want to add frozen fruit but there is not enough room in your fancy little bottle. Marvel at the ability of a banana to turn it from mowed-lawn-smell into fresh-amazing-deliciousness-smell. Bananas! They’re CRAZY.

(6) Dump in some frozen fruit and blend that shit again.

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE

(7) It’s so fucking green! Wow! That’s cool. Drink that shit. Or throw it in the fridge. I have been making one of these bastards in the morning and taking it with me to the studio. Sometimes, if I know that I am not going to get to eat properly, I will throw in two packets of protein powder and call it lunch/dinner. Other times I will save my green fabulousness till the end of the night and drink it between wrapping up teaching and starting practice, and it totally helps me focus and feel good and not be a huge bitch at 11:30 at night.

Anyway! Green smoothies. They look like green sludge and taste like sunshine. Yay!

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Gross.

I hate being sick.

I almost never get sick – I don’t have allergies, I have a super tough immune system, and I can eat like basically anything and be good. I am kind of like a goat.

Gregory Goat, you are such a terrible eater!

But every once in awhile, I get legit sick. And the problem is, you absolutely CANNOT go to work at a studio and dance with people if you are sick. Why? Well, DUH:

  1. it’s disgusting
  2. you will probably get your students and co-workers sick too
  3. it’s SOOOOOO GROSS to dance with somebody who’s sniffly and dripping mucus
  4. there’s no way you can have good energy and what not if you are trying to focus all your effort on breathing without coughing like a TB ward

Yet people will come to work sick. And come in for lessons sick. Uncool, people! Very uncool!

(I felt bad that I had to go in for half an hour to pick up work and call my students to clear my schedule for the day. I was all, please swab down everything I touched with some Clorox wipes, I am such a Typhoid Mary.)

Don’t be that monkey from Outbreak. Stay home. For real.

Maybe if I bedazzled one of these it would work…

*     *     *

In other news, I have a partner! Or, I should say, more accurately, I have a person who wants to dance with me and with whom I also want to dance and if everything goes properly and neither of us gets hit by a bus or fired or has a foot spontaneously fall off, then by November/December-ish it should be happening. It’s super exciting!

But I am trying to not get too far ahead of myself – it’s not a thing until it’s a thing, you know? Like, I keep telling myself, don’t go picking out costumes before we’ve even had our first session with our coach. But it’s the best news in forever on the partner front, and I’m really pleased about it. Yay! So that makes being sick more palatable, I guess!

*     *     *

Next time: I review fake nails from the drugstore that cost way less than getting those bitches done at a salon! (I have to do my nails for a little comp on Saturday so I might as well take some pictures and SAY MY OPINIONS, right?)

 

 

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It’s chickpeas? Shut up.

(presented in no particular order)

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So the potential partner definitely blew me off. That’s par for the course. At least this time I actually danced with the dude before the blow off! Although, of course, this being ballroom, I just haven’t gotten a call back for two weeks. That qualifies as a Not Happening in my book.

I really wish DudeBro McLeaderson would’ve had the cojones to just call me and say, listen, you’re great, it’s not gonna work, thanks so much have a nice liiiiiife…

But no. Instead I am going to have to track his lazy ass down and make him actually say it so that there is closure and it’s not weird the next time I see him which will inevitably happen given that the ballroom community has like twelve people in it, half of whom are mad at/screwing/screwing OVER/have been screwed over by the other half.

It’s fine if you don’t want to dance with me. That’s super valid. But don’t be a tool. Just fucking man up and call me.

But then, if you could do that you could probably show up to a rehearsal on time (or at all) which is also not a strength. So that’s a whole thing. Whatever.

*     *     *

I made these weird cookies. I don’t know, I kind of like them. But they’re legit weird. So they were a thing I found on the internet (she said with trepidation) and it seemed like a SUPER GOOD IDEA at the time and I just happened to have 100% of the necessary foo-foo gluten free fancy schmancy ass ingredients in my kitchen. And to the credit of the nice lady who put up all the pretty pictures, they seem like a fantastic idea. THIS IS WHY I WAS SUCKED IN.

Do mine look like this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, no.

Right? But, so, yeah. These “cookies” (or whatever, baked good kind of deal) are chickpeas, natural peanut butter, agave syrup, vanilla, and baking powder. You toss all that in a food processor and blend the shit out of it.

So, it turns out I am not really 100% sure how to use my food processor? I bought it once and used it immediately (probably with the benefit of the goddamn instructions, which are now LONG GONE) and so I had to use a lot of trial and error. Mostly error. Because this dough shit is basically cement – at one point there was literally smoke coming out of the motor. This, I thought, was probably not a good sign.

But eventually I figured it out using my ape-brain and opposable thumbs and managed to blend together all the shit into a dough-like substance which was sticky as hell. And in the recipe the internet lady put in chocolate chips but it turned out that all I had were milk chocolate chips which I HATE so I had to find the only dark chocolate in my house which was half a bag of dark chocolate Hershey’s kisses. Right?

So I unwrap some of those bastards and throw them in, thinking (like a dumbass) that if I hit pulse they will get chopped up into chocolate chip type things. Uh, no. That is not how food processors work (see above). Turns out it just blended the shit out of the couple of kisses I did science with and turned the whole chickpea cement kind of chocolatey.

(ALLITERATION! Not just for foods with gluten.)

At which point I said, Fuck this, this whole experiment has ceased to be entertaining plus now I am realizing that I have to clean my goddamn food processor and remembering why I sometimes just give up and buy plastic silverware instead of, you know, doing dishes…. so I slapped those bitches onto a pan and threw a Hershey’s kiss on top of each one, reckoning that even if the cookie things were a total loss, at least I would get a warm Hershey’s kiss out of the operation.

Chocolate chickpea peanut butter goddamn pain in my ass cement cookie things…

And IN THE END, they were actually pretty fucking tasty. For a cement chickpea cookie thing. Don’t get crazy, it’s not foie gras or anything. But still. Fuck food processors and fuck me for occasionally thinking that I can actually do things that I have NO BUSINESS DOING.

*     *     *

I really want this dress from Espen Salberg. Which is stupid, I have no dollars and no business buying a super cute dress but it is calling to me! It is saying BUY ME YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO MAYBE YOU WILL LOOK LIKE THIS COOL CHICA IN THE PICTURE IF YOU DOOOOO….

Espen Salberg Leopard Cowl Dress

Psssht, dress, you crazy. I don’t even have bangs!

*     *     *

Maybe I should get BANGS. I need a haircut, for reals.

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Citius, Altius, Fortius

Several thoughts about the Olympics:

(1) Probably my single most favorite thing to watch on television, ever.

(2) I am SO GLAD dancesport is not in the Olympics. I am pleased that idea seems to have died out.

(3) Go Team USA!

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You can tell I’m really a ballroom person…

…because I am going to the airport for an insanely early flight (5 am!) with glitter eye makeup and ballroom hair from Wednesday night at work.

The good thing about ballroom hair is that if it can survive Latin rounds, it can survive anything. My ballroom hair laughs at a cross-country flight. Ha! Ha ha ha! it says.

(Side note: I hope the crazy number of bobby pins in my hair does not create a major TSA incident. But I think we can all agree that if my hair even budges during samba, that ALSO would constitute a national state of emergency, code burnt sienna. So really I’m doing it for America. USA#1!)

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Spin Cycle

Sometimes I feel like my week is just totally structured around my stupid laundry. As in: if I’m not doing laundry then I’m putting off doing laundry or I’m meaning to do laundry but then forgetting or I’m delaying putting away clean laundry and just wearing it out of the basket until I need to do goddamn laundry again.

Laundry!

It’s stupid.

It’s extra double stupid because I can’t even dry a bunch of it (thanks dance clothes, for SUCKING) so I have to hang it up so there is always shit hanging in every goddamn doorway of my goddamn apartment. Like this:

Yes, that is a hanger with exactly 2398490283948234 pairs of black tights. Jesus. And like half of those are shot and need to be permanently retired to the garbage but I can’t be bothered to check which ones before I wash them so of course I will be putting on tights with a stupid hole in them when I’m getting ready for work (which fact I will hopefully discover before I leave the house looking like an idiot).

Also: have to make sure that I clean all the fucking rhinestones out of the washer that have inevitably fallen off shit EVEN THOUGH I washed the stoned things inside the super fancy ballroom pillowcase which is SUPPOSED to keep those little shiny bastards from getting everywhere. Does it work? Yeah, well, it’s better than nothing, I guess.

Ugh! Wash. Oh well, at least I have clean underwear again. That’s a win. And Woolite Black kicks some pretty serious laundry ass, I think we should all just agree on that right now. Woolite Black! When all your clothes are black!

Yeah, so I was going to do this whole cutesy clever thing where I segued from talking about laundry to talking about how confusing it can be to dance with dudes you genuinely dislike as people but who are nevertheless fun to dance with, and how that messes with your head (SPIN cycle, get it???) but then I got carried away with how much I wanted to bitch about doing the wash, so, there you go. A little ALOD behind the scenes action there. Stay tuned. Go put away your clothes.

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Doing all the jobs = bad idea

So, dudes, I haven’t written anything for like a week and a half, because I have been totally swamped at the studio. Our management team was gone for some managerial stuff out of town, which meant that running the studio was my job. In the week that they were gone, we had two major events, a visiting coach/judge, staff checkouts and exams, and student checkouts. It was INSANE.

I have learned that I can actually not do 100% of the jobs at the studio AT THE SAME TIME – in addition to running everything, I was in charge of making sure new students were being properly taken care of, shepherding our guest judge, taking a pretty intense round of professional exams for the next level of certifications, and, of course, teaching my own students and preparing them for their checkouts.

I have a bunch of things I want to talk about, but I’m on the road right now for family business and I have a crazy early flight. So I’ll just say this briefly: I am really excited because even though last week was a MESS, I think I have maybe got a mentor in the industry now. I need to set things up with this person a little more formally (and indicate that I will be more than willing to put my ass on a plane to come out and do coaching) but I think it’s a go. Yay!

Also: I am going to order these beauties from England and try them. I don’t know if they can live up to the super high standard of my beloved Ray Rose Blizzards, but I’m excited to try them. How stunning are they??! Ray Rose Drizzle, I ❤ you.

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Aleksandr Palmerovitch

An American solution with a Russian flavor!

I taught my first lesson this morning at 9 am and finished my last one at 11:30 pm. That is a LONG day of teaching, and my feet HURT and my patience is GONE. By the time I dragged my ass home all I could deal with was a hot shower, clean sheets, and a cold drink. But I haven’t gone shopping in forever for anything except produce (I am doing this whole clean eating thing, whatever) so I had to make do with what I had around the house.

Today was hot, and I like vodka, so that pretty much led me to invent the ALEKSANDR PALMEROVITCH, aka the SASHA PALMER (a lethal Arnold Palmer with enough vodka to satisfy a Russian and enough refreshing bullshit to satisfy an American).

Recipe!!!

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• One (1) plastic cup

• A whole bunch of Absolut Mandarin vodka (go ahead, a little more….)

• Crystal Light lemonade drink mix until you don’t mind how much alcohol you put in

• Unsweetened iced tea to fill up the rest of the glass

Seriously, you guys, this is fucking DELICIOUS. And it is going to knock you on your ass. But, on the upside, it’s citrusy and summery and not even that bad for you (thanks, Crystal Light powdered drink mix! Why have I not combined you with delicious vodka before now?!).

It’s like dinner, only made of adult beverage.

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