Will it blend?

So one of my new favorite things, which is thanks to a brilliant friend who knows all about everything, is the green smoothie. I was making these banana protein fruit jobs and they were pretty good, but let me tell you, friends…

KALE

It is the shit. No kidding.

So here’s what you’re gonna do if you want to be awesome and feel like it is sunshine inside your body all the time. You are gonna get a blender and you are gonna throw a bunch of fucking fruits and vegetables into that shit and make it into awesome. In fact I am going to make one of these bastards RIGHT NOW so you can see it happen in (sort of) real time.

(1) Buy a bunch of dark green leafy shit. You don’t have to know what it is. Just buy it. Also: ricemilk (or water, or regular milk, or really ANY KIND OF LIQUID…you could probably use vodka but that might defeat the point of this exercise a little bit), a banana, protein powder (totally optional, but I love this shit from Garden of Life – unflavored! the flavors are GROSS), and some frozen ass fruit.

Some kind of kale, Italian parsley, a banana, frozen mango & pineapple, ricemilk, and vegan protein powder. PLUS AWESOME.

(2) Get that leafy shit and shove it in the bottle. Do you need to cut it up? Fuck no. That is too much goddamn work. We are gonna blend this shit. Just shove it in. Then dump in some liquid. More than you think. If you don’t have enough liquid, it won’t blend for crap. I usually mess this up and end up having to take the bottle off and whack it on the counter a couple times to get the stupid green shit to fall down and commit seppuku on the blade. But whatever.

Probably should have used more. Oh well.

(3) Open that shit up and smell it. It smells like a fucking lawn that just got mowed. Why the hell are you going to drink that? Because it is fucking awesome, that’s why. Dump in your protein powder and break up a banana, then blend blend blend blend blend.

(4) Add more liquid because you fucked up the ratio the first time.

(5) Drink some of the smoothie because you want to add frozen fruit but there is not enough room in your fancy little bottle. Marvel at the ability of a banana to turn it from mowed-lawn-smell into fresh-amazing-deliciousness-smell. Bananas! They’re CRAZY.

(6) Dump in some frozen fruit and blend that shit again.

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE

(7) It’s so fucking green! Wow! That’s cool. Drink that shit. Or throw it in the fridge. I have been making one of these bastards in the morning and taking it with me to the studio. Sometimes, if I know that I am not going to get to eat properly, I will throw in two packets of protein powder and call it lunch/dinner. Other times I will save my green fabulousness till the end of the night and drink it between wrapping up teaching and starting practice, and it totally helps me focus and feel good and not be a huge bitch at 11:30 at night.

Anyway! Green smoothies. They look like green sludge and taste like sunshine. Yay!

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5 thoughts on “Will it blend?

  1. bahahaha I need to add this AND your blog to my life!

  2. You are freaking me out. I wrote a couple posts for this week last night and guess what tomorrow’s post is about? GREEN FUCKING SMOOTHIES! I bet we could sneak some quinoa in these and do it up right.

    • CRAZY. It is probably a quinoa-based conspiracy – mind control, man, that’s how they’re getting us. I am super excited to see your take on the awesomeness that is the Green Smoothie! I do sometimes put chia seeds in mine; they get in your teeth but they’re delicious.

  3. […] – Will It Blend – againstlineofdance.wordpress.com […]

  4. […] by the lovely and talented Allison Goldberg, “Will It Blend?” made it off the screen and onto the stage! How exciting is that? Thank you to Jen and Allison for […]

Cha cha cha.

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